I used to be fun.

“I used to be fun,” is what I sometimes tell myself while taking on the weekly impossible task of trying to negotiate ever-changing work schedules and inconsistent childcare options. As I write this my child is breaking down on the floor crying because the dog we’re watching on Rover is humping her Minnie pillow. Life is so weird these days, I tell my Instagram friends (who are my only friends during pesky Covid surges).

My professor friend creates posts (and even merch!) around #hadit, and I feel this so deeply. I, too, have had it. I have had it with unrealistic expectations. I have had it with the inflexibility of the world around me insisting I’m the one who should always be incredibly flexible. I have had it with cancelled plans and the politics around a pandemic. I have had it with people telling me how I should feel about it all.

I have no antidote for my lack of personality these days. Well, I take that back. When I went home for Christmas, my brother made me laugh until I cried making fun of something I said. Brothers (the best ones, which are mine) are good at the balance between what will hurt my ever-hurtable feelings and what will bring me to happy tears. I felt completely myself in that moment.

I have just enough alone time these days to think, “What immediate self-care can I provide in the next 30 minutes to give me the most bang for my buck?” Having lost my sense of fun and creativity, the answer is always a bath. I don’t even love a bath, so I’m not sure why this is the only thing that ever comes to mind. This is usually followed by, “And then I’ll paint my nails,” which never happens because I’m out of time.

As Taylor Swift says, “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.” She had to move on from Jake Gyllenhaal, and I need to move on from this Covid slump (that isn’t really about Covid— it just clearly highlighted how dumb the world is when it comes to work and childcare and motherhood). I have read things about how transformative motherhood is and that you are not meant to go back to the old you. I think the people who say this don’t want me to be fun anymore.

I’m of course reading a book on burn out and the patriarchy and how the deck is stacked against us. To which I say, just wait and see. I am not fun right now. BUT. I wake up at 5am with my kid, and she watches TV as I slowly make moves to get me out of this rut. I am as stubborn as they come. When I’m mad at the systems that aren’t working for me, I will seek out new ways of being and find like-minded folks. Life is too short to be irritated in the bath tub because self-care isn’t working. I will be fun again! Just you wait and see.