I hope you are doing well! Or as well as can be expected in these times. I’m sure you are a mix of emotions, so what better way to spend your time than to read about MY EMOTIONS! Here they are, in no particular order:
- Sorrow/Horrified/Anxious (I grouped these as to not depress you too much!)= My thoughts frequently return to the reason we are here in the first place. This virus is a beast, and being a pretty anxious person around health issues–my go-to is to read tons of articles about it & therefore increase my anxiety. Reading about how quickly one can go from feeling a little sick to struggling to breathe & on a respirator is shocking. And then to find out respirators aren’t a cure all & that half of patients won’t recover after being on one. To know that families are unable to be with these loved ones as they suffer is mind-numbing. I’m horrified for all these essential workers who don’t have the luxury I do to stay at home. I’m worried about all our jobs. I’m bummed I can’t see my parents or my brothers right now & don’t know when I’ll be able to. Although I don’t get stuck in these darker emotions, they are definitely there.
- Angry= I mean, my first instinct is to love thy neighbor–but there are some selfish ones out there! And I have little patience when selfish idiots are putting other people’s lives at risk. Lives are the thing that matter the most. It’s the most precious thing. Period. There are people out there actually smarter than us who know what they are talking about. Listen to them!
- Grateful= Thought I would add in a mood-lifter here for a moment. I LOVE being at home with my kid 24/7. It is seriously all I ever wanted, and I had been so sad going back to work full-time. I was working from home for a few weeks when this first started. Through the CARES Act (thank you government for looking out for me), I am able to take a leave from work to take care of my kid. Best decision ever. She was melting down at home with all the Zoom meetings, & I would sometimes just find her napping on the ground in the afternoon. Oh wow, maybe I shouldn’t be completely ignoring my kid! My motherly instincts finally kicked in (they are sometimes delayed) & things are much better these days. I am soaking it up. She is of the age where every day means new words and understanding, and I feel so lucky for being able to see it happen right before my eyes. I will find a way to spend more time with her when this is over. This is my take away.
- Happy= When I’m not yelling at the news or at my idiot neighbors or googling “waking up from a coma after Covid,” I’ve actually found myself happy much of the time. I’m a complete introvert (unless it comes to my work, in which I am best working with tons of kids or people), so there is nothing about this isolated time that is a struggle for me in that way. It isn’t that much different from early motherhood, where I was also isolated & unable to go many places–LOL, so I am well-adapted to this lifestyle. I already have home workout equipment! I already know what it’s like staying in every night of the week! I sometimes feel overwhelmed by what we are supposed to do in life–errands, appointments, activities, travel, etc, that slowing down in that aspect is something I appreciate. I am happy to live in So Cal with awesome weather & be lucky enough to have this tiny back house WITH A POOL and a small yard. Did I mention how happy I am to be with my dog 24/7?!?
That’s what’s swirling around in my head right now. I gave up watching TV because I wanted to do something different with the little time I have when not on mom-duty. I’m actually reading a book again, something I haven’t done much of since having a baby. I try to learn something on my banjo some days. I AM so happy I get to workout everyday because it’s really a great anti-depressant for me. There are no races in the future, and I thought about doing some virtual ones (of course triathlete nerds always find a way to race!)–but so far have just enjoyed doing my own thing.
I listen music daily & have enjoyed seeing different artists doing at-home concerts. I have listened to lots of John Prine. His songwriting skills were so one-of-a-kind.
I guess that love – is like a Christmas card
You decorate a tree – you throw it in the yard
It decays and dies – and the snowmen melt
Well, I once knew love – I knew how love felt
Yeah I knew love – love knew me
–“All the Best”
I hope we follow the science to find our the way out of this. I hope we learn something collectively and individually from this. This is just the beginning, though, so I can’t tell you what it is that will be different besides the masks we wear and the distance we keep. I hope there is a re-thinking of priorities, which could benefit us all. I really hope you are all OK. The empathy I feel is often just too much and doesn’t serve any purpose, but know that I’m really feeling for all of you during this time & hoping you are doing well and staying safe. I miss you all!