Renewing the Subscription
My email inbox overflows into the 1,000s these days, as I give it a once-a-day-glance for any looming emergency before moving on. My domain (kristymesser.com) was expiring, and my credit card on file was also expired. I questioned if letting things expire could get me back to the minimalist lifestyle I used to cling to.
But I miss writing! I love the written word. I love writing for the sake of writing. I love forcing it upon you! Maybe I will have something to say again? I’ve been contemplating some deep metaphor about merging on the freeway that never gets beyond the moment when I’m literally merging on the freeway. “There must be a metaphor here” I think before making it into the next lane over.
In my holiday weeks off of work, I am determined to make a dent in the to-do list. I updated my payment settings, and here I am. Not quite sure why?
I’m having the kind of year where I’m living hour to hour in attempts not to have some major disaster fill the day. It’s too much, but there is an end date on the madness. After telling myself I would NEVER EVER go back to school NO MATTER WHAT, here I am celebrating another semester of straight A’s. I’m still bitter about it, but I’m not crazy enough to let that GPA slide.
I’m also teaching again, which I tip-toed back into, not sure if my prior burn out was short term or permanent. I hesitated every step of the way: “Maybe I should get my teaching credential? I’ll have more opportunities. I’ll get paid more. Maybe I’ll look into programs. Maybe I’ll apply to this one. Oh, they said I could teach while I get the credential? Maybe I’ll apply to this job? Maybe I’ll accept it?”
And suddenly here I am, teaching during the day and going to class at night—somewhere in between rushing home to pick up my kid from school and getting her to dance. So, the emails piled up. The time for fun melted away. My anxiety decided to step it up: “Not so fast! Why don’t you also stay up at night to worry about nonsense things?!” I keep looking to May, when I can be done with classes and then in June celebrate with my first (paid) summer off!
But I’m still in the thick of it, which at times feels really lonely. Don’t cry for me. I’ll end on a good note! I was in final phases of paper work for this massive school district, requiring a visit to the downtown office. I brought my kid (it was still summer), and after some signatures was told to “wait for salary.” It was here that, for the first time, I was told all my years of teaching outside the district may count for something. This (combined with my penchant for collecting degrees) would put me towards the high end of the salary scale. I told Kenzy in the elevator down, “this could change our lives!” A couple of months later, an email confirmed it. And while money certainly isn’t everything, it is a huge relief to feel like you are being paid what you’re worth. It helped confirm all those “maybe” doubts I had about returning to teaching. It was the path of least resistance, which is usually not the road I find myself taking.
A wise uncle (they are all wise btw) once told me he followed his instincts about what would be the next big thing, and that’s part of his key to success. I do not have these instincts whatsoever. My instincts are more like “I wonder if I should learn this Taylor Swift song on the banjo?” But for whatever reason, a California proposition dedicated to art education in schools, a strike resulting in huge raises in the district, a completely online credentialing program that made school possible, etc etc led me to accidentally time something right.
So if I have to feel lonely for the time being, at least I can do it on my very own domain that I paid for with a non-expired credit card! I’m happy to be back. Happy holidays, my friends. I hope to reconnect with you, too!