I used to take a nap almost every day. While it sounds luxurious, it was mostly due to insomnia during the night and exhaustion during the day–so not that cute. But it was so restorative. There was a zombie-like feeling that took about an hour or so to shake off, but even that I loved. In a world where I am easily confused about how to spend my time, napping is the best bet always.
“Nap when the baby naps.” I’m not sure anyone said this out loud to me, but I must have read it at least a dozen times–which is saying a lot considering I gave up reading before the baby even arrived. “Oh but I wish I could!” I want to tell these well-meaning, smart people. It has yet to happen, even when I try my best. My mind is too wired with the thought, “THE BABY IS ASLEEP. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MYSELF?” and yes–the thought is always in caps like that. It is a joyous and anxiety-inducing feeling. I could watch TV! I could work on my business (this usually ends up being what I have to do)! I could take a bath! I could lift weights! Meanwhile, I feel the minutes ticking away and I’m not doing any of these things!! HURRY.
I gave up my “2nd coffee of the day” a few months ago because my sensitivity to life and caffeine is off the charts. I thought this would result in epic nights of sleep and afternoon naps, but no. It just has upped my sparkling water intake by at least a couple of liters a day, which I guess is good. I could give up that “1st coffee of the day,” but I move at a turtle-like pace when making lifestyle changes & that one is not happening for awhile.
So here I am, after trying to nap unsuccessfully yet another afternoon, about to spend my time telling you about the greatest nap I had on Saturday during my staycation. It only took waking up in the middle of the night Friday with Kenzy for a few hours, waking up for good with her at about 5:30am, going on a morning run with Huxley at the beach for a good hour, building sandcastles with Kenzy, drinking a frozen drink of awesomeness by the hotel pool & swimming in order to work myself up into a napping state. But man, was it worth it. I want to say it was TWO HOURS long. The “I’m tired” that has been my basic mantra forever now slowly faded away after I woke. I was glowing (on the inside at least). Post-nap I went to dinner at some BBQ chain restaurant that was blasting some 90s Sara Evans (did I create this restaurant AND this playlist?) & life had never been better. There is no sad ending to this story. It was just an amazing nap in which I woke up feeling so rested that I thought I may never need sleep again (until 9pm that night at least).
Napping for me requires a no to very low level of anxiety, otherwise my mind is spinning. The nap I took previous to this one was back in June at Great Wolf Lodge when my parents were paying for everything including the hotel room. This leads me to believe the ONLY place I can nap now is in hotel rooms or on vacation, which seems like a plan to me.
So basically everyday life as a mom has been a constant state of anxiety. Or life as a “balancer” which is what you become when you become a mom—no matter if you work full-time, part-time or your job is to watch the kids full time (bless you!! This sounds like the hardest job of all!) “No, it’s not possible to balance,”–say the same people that say “Nap when the baby naps.” But yet the world expects it from you.
I used to get everything done on time. I used to be on time for everything. I used to go above and beyond and say yes to too many things but somehow get them done anyways. Now disappointing people is a new life skill I’ve developed. “Nope, sorry.” “No.” “No, I can’t.” “Hey I’ve changed my mind about that. I don’t have time.” I feel like my new email signature for my client emails is “Sorry for the delay.” At first, it felt so scary to say those things. But then literally no one cared (or at least I didn’t). I didn’t lose my job or my business. I didn’t lose friends. They all seem to understand they will see me again some day.
But it’s always the anxiety I can’t quite shake, and it’s the thing I’m most hoping to work on this next year. For the first year or two after Kenzy was born–I swear it was a chemical thing where I always felt slightly on edge if we ever left the house or if anything was wrong. It’s much better these days. I feel like a human again. I remember not to google everything. Instead of a “to do list,” I aim to do one thing a day–I set the bar extremely low, which is good for my soul. I am finally working on habits that will increase my sleep & decrease my anxiety.
I wish for a 2020 filled with naps. I have missed them so.