Hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. For once in quite awhile mine did not involve travel. While I love exploring new (and old) places, I also don’t love the airport during the holidays–or driving through wintery craziness. So staying home had its definite benefits. What did I do? Besides the normal fun stuff, I cleaned. I got to go beyond my normal “just kind of keep the house from falling apart” cleaning to an actual scrubbing of the floor, which brought me such peace. I spent at least an hour studying Black Friday deals variety of vacuum robots, dreaming of a little dude sweeping and scrubbing for me. I couldn’t quite make the purchase, but I’m already wishing I did.
I don’t really relax since I had a kid. It’s not because I can’t find the time. It’s because it is mentally/emotionally impossible for me. It’s some low level anxiety that took over after crazy postpartum anxiety that keeps me from sitting down and relaxing. I’m sure I’m not fun to be around, but I’m working on it. I actually watched a non-depressing movie by myself. It took 3 days to get through it, but it felt like an accomplishment. At our Friendsgiving gathering, I forced everyone to watch a full episode of that cheesy Dolly Parton Netflix series. I also went out to a shopping area on Black Friday for FUN. I put myself on a waiting list for the new children’s museum (because it was at capacity aka A NIGHTMARE) like I was trying to get into some exclusive L.A. club & didn’t let the anxiety take over when we finally went inside. I sat at the beach on Sunday and didn’t think of all the things I should be doing instead.
Now I’m back at work, but I somehow have continued my “holiday fun” mode instead of my usual stressed out “I’m not making enough money what is my future what am I doing with my life” self. I think my productivity for the year is over. The tank is empty. I am done trying. I WILL be napping this December. I won’t worry about finances. I’ll go to that party & that tree lighting & decorate the jogging stroller with holiday lights & teach my kid how to use watercolors. I will watch more movies.
Holidays for many are tough, lonely, stressful, anxiety-ridden. I totally get that. But for me, they are my sanctuary. Christmas season as a kid was all family–brothers, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles & at the center of it all, my Grandmother. She was an all-star-life-long-lover of holiday fun and traditions. It was infectious. This time always brings her spirit so much closer to me. And having a kid now, someone to appreciate my holiday music, decorating, cookie-making, present-wrapping–has brought it full circle. I was making cupcakes with Kenzy last week & you know those moments where you totally feel in your element & yourself? Well, that’s how I felt. This nurturing role that I’m in now is completely my lane. All those guys I dated who probably found me to be too clingy or cheesy or overbearing by baking cookies or giving gifts or filling stockings or whatever…I get it. This overbearing love I had to give was meant for my kid. She soaks it up, demands it even. And anytime of the year where focus isn’t on “work” but on “play”–on “tradition” and not “change”–puts me at ease. For that I’m grateful. Even in the “not knowing,” which I’m learning is actually just how life works, I can be at peace.
I’m happy to be lacking in motivation. My normal is having about 10 work/business/career ideas I’m trying to get off the ground, with sometimes maybe 1 of them actually landing (months or years after I wanted it to). I have about a dozen diet/fitness/lifestyle goals to keep track of, making myself feel guilty about, etc. There is A LOT happening in this head of mine, 98% of it is wasted on worry. So I promise to take this month to try something different by not trying so hard. (but please put on my gravestone SHE TRIED SO HARD.) Happy Holidays!