I had two weeks off, which was wonderful. When you are working from home & you aren’t going anywhere for the holidays a “vacation” seems a little odd. OK, so I don’t have to log onto Zoom. OK, I don’t have to check my emails. What’s the big difference? Ugh, major difference. I need another 10 more of these weeks! I’m just getting started.
My first week of vacation was spent as kind of a one-woman show called “LOOK KENZY I’M TRYING TO MAKE CHRISTMAS SEEM NORMAL THIS YEAR!!!” Turns out, that ended up being pretty exhausting (doing the work typically carried by 12-30 family members), which brings us to this past week.
I ended up binge watching three documentary series in kind of a daze. This is not normal behavior for me since having Kenzy. It usually takes me months to finish anything because I’m asleep by 9. When people at work casually talk to me about all the shows they are watching, I go quiet thinking…do I tell them again that Schitt’s Creek–the only series I’ve really watched all the way through in years–is SO GOOD again?!?
Anyway, let me introduce you to my all time favorite genre of movie: a tie between a true crime documentary OR a documentary about a cult (any cult will do). This has been the case for years, so I’m totally thrilled that this is becoming even more of a “thing.” Once I finally discovered how to log into HBO Max (I had been trying unsuccessfuly for months), I watched The Vow, Heaven’s Gate: The Cult of Cults & Murder on Middle Beach—all within the past few days!
I won’t review them here, but I did want to say that The Vow was WAY too long & by the end I felt like I had joined and left the cult multiple times. And that yes, I know about Seduced (the same cult story from a different angle) on Stars (with better reviews) & will be watching that one shortly.
I have been slightly depressed all week, which led to this zombie-like binging behavior. I thought I would spend the week preparing for a new year–you know, deep cleaning, etc & coming up with another one woman play called “HAPPY NEW YEAR’S KENZY!!! EVERYTHING IS NORMAL HERE!” I just had zero energy. And lots of dread. And a good deal of sadness. A total blast to be around!
But my lousy attitude was actually the only thing that has helped me relax. My need to clean anxiously usually overrides every other instinct I have, so to let that go & just watch hours and hours of TV was great. OH–I also finally put on my VR headset I’ve borrowed from work & started playing games. My apologies to Huxley who kept entering my Guardian boundaries & getting stepped on. If you know you know.
I have been in true escapist mode, and turns out–it’s just what I needed. Not escapist at all. I’ve really just been consuming entertainment, which I forgot I really love to do. I finally bought an old school paper planner (yes I have a calendar on my computer but I will NEVER LET GO of my paper one) thinking it would inspire some hope for the new year. I remember how swiftly I completely abandoned mine last March & just went on a “day to day” mode for the whole year. I was able to write “classes start” in January, but quickly put it away and thought “I’ll save this work for when I’m on the clock.”
No resolutions, no shiny new attitude, etc. I move into the new year feeling slightly gloomy but still willing to find the joy. Opening up to the idea that joy can be found in “lazy” ways as well as active ones. Thanks for reading my ALMOST daily December updates. It was good for me to feel like I’m communicating/reflecting again. I had become a bit of a robot. I don’t promise to be on here everyday, but I hope to find this space more often. Thanks always for reading!