“What were you going to do? Kill me? And then what? Cook me and eat me?”—Dolly Parton
Hear me out for a second with this Dolly quote. Two nights ago I thought I had a fever dream: Dolly telling me to life a little more fearlessly. What’s the worst that could happen? Then I noticed it was the Dolly documentary I fell asleep to on Netflix waking me up with insane life logic. It has stuck with me for a few reasons.
First off, the quote is not necessarily pretty, and the shocking parts are what hooked me on it. Dolly does not know the number of crime documentaries I watch in a given week. Yes, Dolly, they could definitely kill you, and they may even eat you! But the absurdity of it helped me to question me own fears. I thought about the big interview I had scheduled the following day. I was scared of the people that were going to be in that Zoom room. They were university people. I have spent much of my career pretending to be Miss Spider to 5yr olds. I was terrified they were going to ask me something I had no idea how to answer. I was scared I was going to ramble on, never answering any of the questions. But Dolly taking it to extremes—really, Kristy, what are these people on Zoom going to do? It would be really really hard for them to reach across the screen and hurt you in any physical way. And as long as you believe in your skills and what you have to offer, how can they stop you from moving forward on your path?
Second: her fearlessness and confidence! It helps me understand her career. She genuinely is not afraid of failure. She speaks about it as if it’s a given: I’ll either succeed or I’ll fail, no big deal. If she fails five times in a row, she’ll focus on the one success that came after. After watching it, I crawled out of my bed and wondered where this version of myself has been? I imagine little Kristy, begging my mom to go out and get a Dolly wig for me so I can be on a float in a parade in Texas that I conceptualized and forced my brother (Willie Nelson) and my cousin (Reba McEntire in a Tina Turner wig) to perform on with me. I had NO FEAR. I never wondered once what people would think of me. I knew I was that good LOL. I need to connect with that little girl again. The world can knock it out of you sometimes.
I showed up to the interview as I reminded myself “they are not going to physically kill me or eat me.” They were so kind. I did ramble a bit, made jokes & was my weirdo self—not perfect, but confident enough that I will find my next work home when it comes around. When the head of the program said, “We need someone like you—with 17 years of experience in the city working with kids”—my heart melted. I felt seen. For the most part, not only are they not trying to kill you: they want to see the best in you.
I’ve faced many of my fears this past 6+ months since leaving my very comfortable job. Seeing my daughter petrified of school and now completely thriving all because of her willingness to keep showing up inspired me to keep doing scary things. Out of all of my various anxieties, my health anxiety is the worst. I think I have everything wrong with me but also want to avoid knowing about any of it. So I went to every kind of health appointment I could think of. I had no excuses not to. All of them were unremarkable, but to me it was a major success.
I have a document of jobs I applied to—stuff way out of my field, things that sounded interesting, major major pivoting—it’s called “JOB SEARCH BLOW OUT.” I highlight the rejections in red, the interviews in yellow, the jobs I get in green. I have had so many interviews, “tasks” (omg the tasks), ‘conversations’, “next steps” etc. I tell myself of course it’s hard. I’m not trying to go out and get the same kind of job I’ve had. I’m trying to do something different. It requires patience, an imagination and a willingness to sometimes look like a total idiot. I kept waiting to write about it on here because I wanted to tell you: “Hey guys I just got the most amazing gig.” Instead I have to say: I’m in the thick of it, and I’m sure my confidence will take me to my next successful venture. Because what are people going to do to me: CHOP ME UP AND EAT ME?!? (Don’t watch that Jeffrey Dahmer series.)