Well, it’s the day after X-mas, and luckily, my vacation is only halfway over. I don’t get to see ALL the family every Christmas these days (too many of us, too spread out), but I was totally excited to spend Christmas with my brothers, nephew, niece, and parents–and today a visit from more aunts, uncles, cousins & Grandma. It is all in winding down phase now, but I’m happy to spend several more days in Texas seeing a few more people & getting a little ranch time in. I’m happy to return to L.A. to celebrate the New Year, although I have no idea where that will be or what I’ll be doing.
I’m also kind of nervous about the future because I can feel myself wanting to make bold moves and SOON. There is something about security that is cute for awhile, but I’m so drawn to risks, challenges, climbing mountains– being still doesn’t suit me. I recently finished an amazing read–Born to Run (which I highly recommend). It got at the pure joy of running & in turn, the way it helps you to pursue the joy in life. I can’t tell you enough how running has really helped me engage in life–with nature, with people, with myself, with my spiritual side. And I’m not all uber-hippy or touchy-feely or anything–so it was great reading a book about people who felt the same way I did about running & didn’t seem too crazy. Or they did sound crazy, but really, more sane then whatever our “normal” life is supposed to look like these days (spending 8 hours in front of a computer, cell phone, texting, facebooking, hurrying, stressing). It’s not that I run and make conscious big LIFE decisions while I’m running. I’m much more in touch with my best self when I’m on a good run, though, and sometimes the same phrases keep popping up in my head run after run: Forward motion. Getting unstuck.
The weird thing is, propelling yourself forward into the unknown never seems to get less scary. In fact, it used to seem much easier. I could say “I’m young, I’ll be all responsible and boring when I’m older,” but now I’m older & so scared that my unwillingness to settle into a life will come back to haunt me in the end.
I can’t be a complainer. I really hate to complain. I hate the way it sounds coming out of my mouth. I don’t even like writing this right now–I want to write it when the changes are made, when words are spoken, when dreams are being pursued. Right now I’m sitting scared, but clinging to some kind of a faith that no matter what the next step is–it will only make me more of who I am.
It makes me sad, though, because sometimes pursuing something new means you have to leave things behind. This is much easier when you already have something solid to jump into–when you won’t have time to mourn or think or remember or sentimentalize. But one of the reasons I’m being so vague (the main reason is of course because I’m sort of private and this is the internet, and probably only my mom is reading this right now–but I really have no idea) is because this time it feels very vague–not just one area of my life but all areas of my life. I know it will mean some quiet time ahead, time when I may rethink decisions, when I regret my actions, when I long for things to be like they were back when.
I had an end (well, I can never say ‘end’—that sounds dramatic) to a close friendship recently. Well, more complicated than just a “friendship,” but the end came on suddenly and without warning–but not really. I overreacted to something, but sometimes an overreaction feels like just a delayed reaction– I should’ve reacted like this a million years ago–but I didn’t and am now making up for it. But of course the other person doesn’t know this, so they are shocked & deservedly so. But what is there to repair of something that was never very healthy to begin with? That’s the thing. In some areas of my life, I need to go back to square one and do things differently next time. And maybe I’ll never get that second (or third or fourth) shot with someone in my past, so what else is there to do but look ahead? There is nothing but love for everyone that has ever been a part of my life, and all I can hope is that they know that to be the truth.
So things ending, ending, ending with a New Year totally beginning & I end this entry the way I began it–with reference to my family, who serves as my constant source of love and support through every move I make–who made a wall of medals honoring my races, who make me homemade meals every minute of everyday I’m home, who make me stronger and more comfortable in my own shoes so that I can go out and face the world willing to follow my heart. They have made it another Christmas to remember. I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks–just me and my 5yr old nephew–tonight. He is adorable defined. There was one preview that seemed a bit dark in tone, and he kept both hands hovering right above his eyes–so if it was ever too much to take, he could hide behind his hands. I glanced around, and no one else seemed to be doing this–but everyone else was kind of slouched in their seats, eating candy & impatiently waiting for the real movie to start. Not my nephew, though–even though he was borderline scared, his eyes were huge & totally locked on the screen. He may have been fearful, but he was totally invested & engaged & entertained. This is how I want to be! Merrrrry X-mas!