So much in common with Beyonce right now…

It’s my last pregnant post of all time, if I predict correctly. I envisioned I would really keep you up-to-date on this whole process month to month & tell you “Oh my baby is a size of an avocado this week.” (BTW, my baby is the size of a winter melon right now. I don’t even know what that is, but its sounds TOO BIG.) But turns out, people still expect you to work and the dog still needs to be walked even when you are so fat and tired, so time got away from me. Let me just say that I was THRILLED to hear that Beyonce is currently pregnant with twins. I laugh every time I see her posed seductively in really fancy pregnant lady clothes. Meanwhile, I’m wearing 1 of 2 shirts that still fit & constantly pulling up my Old Navy maternity jeans.

I am 39 weeks pregnant now, which I didn’t even know existed. They lie to you about that whole 9 month thing. It is definitely 10 months, which feels more like a year. I go to the doctor every week now, and she just told me the baby went through a growth spurt–and already weighs almost 7 lbs. What?! Why isn’t she out of me yet? She is going to be HUGE, but I won’t tell her that–she is too young for body issues ( I keep buying her infant swimsuits & I need her to rock those with confidence). Although I really haven’t enjoyed any part of pregnancy, I am super grateful it has been uneventful. I don’t have gestational diabetes? But I’m Advanced Maternal Age, and I’ve been eating dessert everyday!

Next time I write I will be a wise mom offering you tips on mothering while still being SUPER COOL and sarcastic. Or I’ll be crying to you about how little sleep I get (as an insomniac I’m actually looking forward to having something productive to do while I’m wide awake at night.) My only wish for labor is that my experience in endurance sports has somehow prepared me for at least some of the mental and physical anguish to come. I’m thinking I will be like “Meds?!?! Who needs those?!? These ice chips are enough to get me through,” but it also won’t surprise me if the instant I enter the hospital I enthusiastically receive an epidural, pain meds or whatever they are doling out that day. No matter what actually happens, my birth story will involve soft lighting, aromatherapy & skin to skin contact with the most beautiful creature ever to be born (in the same hospital where Kim Kardashian gave birth!!!). No one needs to hear your real birth story! I say this after reading dozens of them and being more horrified than calmed.

One thing I know at this point in pregnancy is that I don’t really care for anyone’s advice. I nod my head, but I’m never really listening. I am a super stubborn human being, and google provides me with more than enough information thank you very much. I am going to raise my kid in all kinds of weird ways that no one will approve of, and we’re going to have a blast along the way! The only mandatory thing is that she will have to cheer me on at all my races because that is my main reason for having a kid– I need to grow that support crew.

I will let you know how it all goes. One week til the due date…let the countdown begin!